Worst day ever, or at least in a very long time.
I'm in a right pissy mood and would rather not talk about it.
Here is hoping for a better tomorrow.
Take care of yourselves.
Roving Jack
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
Okay okay I'll post again
But I don't have to like it. actually what I would like more than anything right now is sleep. I am soooo very tired right now. Longer hours at work doing several jobs, many without proper materials.
Then working hard to square away a lot of things when I'm done working. Thankfully most of the people I work with and know outside of work are very understanding when I share some of what I'm faced with right now.
I'm handling it all pretty well, I think. Though I don't always share it all with everybody simply because if I didn't half of you would freak out, and that's neither warranted or helpful. Trust me, when I'm freaked out then freaking out might be an option, otherwise don't worry.
Maybe that comes from my illness a while back. Having faced tourturous pain every day for months and wasting away from starvation even as you try to find something your body can hold. It changes you a bit.
You sort of look at the other piddling crap that comes along and think, "bah, you arn't an obstacle, just a little extra flavor for the story this will all make later."
Or maybe it's just me. I have a habit of ... how to put this... Do nothing small. Goals I set myself are usually big enough, often part of something bigger still and always seem crazy from the outside.
But at the same time crisis for me tend to be a bit big as well. Whirling storm of chaos seems to fit better at times. But like rainy days and sore muscles, sometimes a little excitment is a welcome thing.
were was I... oh right, half asleep in the computer labs getting ready to do a few things before heading back to try and get some sleep before I have to be up and doing things tomorrow before work and then working and doing things after work and...
I am going to be tired for a long time to come.
Take care of yourselves,
Roving Jack
Then working hard to square away a lot of things when I'm done working. Thankfully most of the people I work with and know outside of work are very understanding when I share some of what I'm faced with right now.
I'm handling it all pretty well, I think. Though I don't always share it all with everybody simply because if I didn't half of you would freak out, and that's neither warranted or helpful. Trust me, when I'm freaked out then freaking out might be an option, otherwise don't worry.
Maybe that comes from my illness a while back. Having faced tourturous pain every day for months and wasting away from starvation even as you try to find something your body can hold. It changes you a bit.
You sort of look at the other piddling crap that comes along and think, "bah, you arn't an obstacle, just a little extra flavor for the story this will all make later."
Or maybe it's just me. I have a habit of ... how to put this... Do nothing small. Goals I set myself are usually big enough, often part of something bigger still and always seem crazy from the outside.
But at the same time crisis for me tend to be a bit big as well. Whirling storm of chaos seems to fit better at times. But like rainy days and sore muscles, sometimes a little excitment is a welcome thing.
were was I... oh right, half asleep in the computer labs getting ready to do a few things before heading back to try and get some sleep before I have to be up and doing things tomorrow before work and then working and doing things after work and...
I am going to be tired for a long time to come.
Take care of yourselves,
Roving Jack
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Play time
While I often times would like to maybe have Naptime at work I will admit the play time is nice.
Okay technically there is no schedualed play time, But I have some anyway. Like today while washing dishes, which isn't my job, actually it appears it's nobodies job anymore in one section of the kitchen, because despite needing one they no longer pay one. So anyway I'm doing the washing, and gathering a hand full of suds from ontop and clap my hands so they explode everywhere.
And yesterday when Bob was having trouble because he had nobody to help on the line, and then there was nobody to cover for Pasta bar while the woman was needed elsewhere, and there was nobody to do dishes at stirfry. I did those thing on top of doing the pantry stuff I usually do. So I snarked about I am nobody.
I was dancing to no music the other day and got somebody to laugh. I make jokes and sarcastic comments to students all the time in fun. And occassionally I deep fry origami.
The thing about this is that I'm sure beyond a doubt that there are some people who work in the kitchen that would never dare do such things. But why?
I mean others laugh and I laugh and the mood of the place in general picks up. It allows me to find the fun and wonder of anything if I can clap my hand and proclaim "Bubbles!".
It's no hinderance to productivity, and can even help it by helping mood and morale.
But some fear appearing childish or worry what others might think about them.
Quite frankly if people are that worried about a grown person enjoying bubbles in the sink while they work or dancing a cardboard box into the recycle bin then they've found a far worse waste of time than I have. Worrying about being productive and enjoying existance is like worrying about pretty flowers and such.
I declare today and forever more, playtime.
take care of yourselves,
Roving jack.
Okay technically there is no schedualed play time, But I have some anyway. Like today while washing dishes, which isn't my job, actually it appears it's nobodies job anymore in one section of the kitchen, because despite needing one they no longer pay one. So anyway I'm doing the washing, and gathering a hand full of suds from ontop and clap my hands so they explode everywhere.
And yesterday when Bob was having trouble because he had nobody to help on the line, and then there was nobody to cover for Pasta bar while the woman was needed elsewhere, and there was nobody to do dishes at stirfry. I did those thing on top of doing the pantry stuff I usually do. So I snarked about I am nobody.
I was dancing to no music the other day and got somebody to laugh. I make jokes and sarcastic comments to students all the time in fun. And occassionally I deep fry origami.
The thing about this is that I'm sure beyond a doubt that there are some people who work in the kitchen that would never dare do such things. But why?
I mean others laugh and I laugh and the mood of the place in general picks up. It allows me to find the fun and wonder of anything if I can clap my hand and proclaim "Bubbles!".
It's no hinderance to productivity, and can even help it by helping mood and morale.
But some fear appearing childish or worry what others might think about them.
Quite frankly if people are that worried about a grown person enjoying bubbles in the sink while they work or dancing a cardboard box into the recycle bin then they've found a far worse waste of time than I have. Worrying about being productive and enjoying existance is like worrying about pretty flowers and such.
I declare today and forever more, playtime.
take care of yourselves,
Roving jack.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Let's try something
When I was just a little child, I told my mother exactly what I would be. Well okay it's the rewording of that song, but still try it with me.
What did/would the child you once were believe you would always become?
Seriously, princesses, and astronauts, superheroes or mad scientists? It's important to not let the world that landed on top of you turn this into a question of what makes sense. This is about dreams, hopes, innocent opptimistic joy at the future and a confidance about your abilities to realise your dreams.
Write a story about that inner truth, does the princess always where pink? Or the astronaut for that matter?
Sometimes telling the story to a freind, your kids, yourself or just writing about it in a journal will fill your day with happiness. Sometimes finding simple small ways of doing it will do.
Want to be a singer? Kareoke might be perfect for you.
I'm not saying quit your day job, I'm stating that too often the thing that makes us unhappy or even worse run away from happiness (sometimes into a bottle, or a needle) is forgetting those dreams.
I lost my dreams once, and the future was dark, and the past was useless. The present was simply struggle and tumult. But I found a way to dream again, and yes I work in a kitchen, and yes I've lived in bad places. But dreams provide me with an anchor... believe it or not.
Share your dreams with somebody you can trust, someone who won't quash them because they fear that your dream will take you out of their lives and leave them alone since they stopped listening to theirs.
Then do them, find little ways to do them. pirouette at some point during your day, draw maps of the surface of the moon as you explore it through a telescope.
Don't hide, or run from this part of who we all are. Sing badly, dance clumbsily and dream big. Laugh at how simple it really is to tuck little peices of dream into your daily life, and how much better it makes your days.
Take care of your dreams,
Roving Jack
What did/would the child you once were believe you would always become?
Seriously, princesses, and astronauts, superheroes or mad scientists? It's important to not let the world that landed on top of you turn this into a question of what makes sense. This is about dreams, hopes, innocent opptimistic joy at the future and a confidance about your abilities to realise your dreams.
Write a story about that inner truth, does the princess always where pink? Or the astronaut for that matter?
Sometimes telling the story to a freind, your kids, yourself or just writing about it in a journal will fill your day with happiness. Sometimes finding simple small ways of doing it will do.
Want to be a singer? Kareoke might be perfect for you.
I'm not saying quit your day job, I'm stating that too often the thing that makes us unhappy or even worse run away from happiness (sometimes into a bottle, or a needle) is forgetting those dreams.
I lost my dreams once, and the future was dark, and the past was useless. The present was simply struggle and tumult. But I found a way to dream again, and yes I work in a kitchen, and yes I've lived in bad places. But dreams provide me with an anchor... believe it or not.
Share your dreams with somebody you can trust, someone who won't quash them because they fear that your dream will take you out of their lives and leave them alone since they stopped listening to theirs.
Then do them, find little ways to do them. pirouette at some point during your day, draw maps of the surface of the moon as you explore it through a telescope.
Don't hide, or run from this part of who we all are. Sing badly, dance clumbsily and dream big. Laugh at how simple it really is to tuck little peices of dream into your daily life, and how much better it makes your days.
Take care of your dreams,
Roving Jack
Friday, September 18, 2009
I will say this
I'm learning some things about myself that are intresting. Learning things isn't always fun or easy but once you've learned them you are better prepared for things to come.
The hardest part for me right now is this idea that to be assured of my well being I need to take care of myself first. Once I do that I can come from a better place to help others. If I don't take care of myself first though I'll have nothing to stand on and then I'm no good and can't help myself let alone anyone else.
It just seems backward to me.
But at the same time I'm learning the value of a few really good people in my life, the value of true friends (some are even family, imagine that). Now to think about that pride thing that prevents me from taking that help should I need it.
Nothing like a close to the bone period to make you aware of how dangerous pride can be if carried too far.
Take care of yourselves and each other.
Roving Jack
The hardest part for me right now is this idea that to be assured of my well being I need to take care of myself first. Once I do that I can come from a better place to help others. If I don't take care of myself first though I'll have nothing to stand on and then I'm no good and can't help myself let alone anyone else.
It just seems backward to me.
But at the same time I'm learning the value of a few really good people in my life, the value of true friends (some are even family, imagine that). Now to think about that pride thing that prevents me from taking that help should I need it.
Nothing like a close to the bone period to make you aware of how dangerous pride can be if carried too far.
Take care of yourselves and each other.
Roving Jack
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
What's going on
seriously, a whirlwind has decided to dance with me.
a flurry of choas and activity has decided to take me for a spin and is enjoying itself so much it might never set me back down.
The gusts come with gusto, and respiration fills one with inspiration. But truely it can be a bit much to take.
If all goes well I will get the much needed pay check on thrusday and then I can go settle some things for now. Then comes the wait for the next week where I can take care of the last of a list of things and get myself current. Then comes the wait for the next week so that I can throw it at the encrouching chaos that threatens to pounce. It will probly be a few more checks after that before I'm settled out for good.
But if all goes as planned it really will be for good, or at the very least the better. And it's always nice to know I have those who care for me and offer to help out. I may have to suck it up at some point and take advantage of that offer, but for now I will stubbornly insist I trying on my own and seeing if my plotted course can really bring me through just above that point of desperation.
It can be hard, but it's also rewarding to know that in these situations that have other people wonder how I even do it, I can really see the value of planning and preperation that I've layed down as my contingencies. I'm crazy but I'm not reckless.
oh and I've been called a "sower of discord", I like it, it has a nice ring to it. I shall have to put it on a T shirt AND WEAR IT WITH PRIDE. Didn't mean to type in caps but I like it and thus shall post it as such.
Take care of yourselves.
Roving Jack
a flurry of choas and activity has decided to take me for a spin and is enjoying itself so much it might never set me back down.
The gusts come with gusto, and respiration fills one with inspiration. But truely it can be a bit much to take.
If all goes well I will get the much needed pay check on thrusday and then I can go settle some things for now. Then comes the wait for the next week where I can take care of the last of a list of things and get myself current. Then comes the wait for the next week so that I can throw it at the encrouching chaos that threatens to pounce. It will probly be a few more checks after that before I'm settled out for good.
But if all goes as planned it really will be for good, or at the very least the better. And it's always nice to know I have those who care for me and offer to help out. I may have to suck it up at some point and take advantage of that offer, but for now I will stubbornly insist I trying on my own and seeing if my plotted course can really bring me through just above that point of desperation.
It can be hard, but it's also rewarding to know that in these situations that have other people wonder how I even do it, I can really see the value of planning and preperation that I've layed down as my contingencies. I'm crazy but I'm not reckless.
oh and I've been called a "sower of discord", I like it, it has a nice ring to it. I shall have to put it on a T shirt AND WEAR IT WITH PRIDE. Didn't mean to type in caps but I like it and thus shall post it as such.
Take care of yourselves.
Roving Jack
Friday, September 11, 2009
Running with rapiers
I figure scizzors were insufficiantly dangerous. Plu I'm making a few rapiers these days, so it seemed apt.
But mainly this is about how it always seems like a crescendo of activity this time of year. Back to work, and still doing my projects, though they seem to increase in number each few months now. Then social activities, which also is growing from near nonexistant to more substancial these day. And other responsabilities.
If I could find it I'd love to read that note I wrote to myself a year or more ago. It seems so very very long ago that I was first starting out doing some of these things that I now do, and that I first faced this illness.
Like lifetimes have passed and now I'd like to look back at the worried youth from what ever this place is I'm at now. There is some part of me that cannot imaginge any further crescendo to my existance but I can't really believe that this is the top, the peak. I guess it is up to me to figure out how to climb the clouds now that I'm up here.
Sometimes it really does feel like that.
Take care of yourselves.
Roving Jack
But mainly this is about how it always seems like a crescendo of activity this time of year. Back to work, and still doing my projects, though they seem to increase in number each few months now. Then social activities, which also is growing from near nonexistant to more substancial these day. And other responsabilities.
If I could find it I'd love to read that note I wrote to myself a year or more ago. It seems so very very long ago that I was first starting out doing some of these things that I now do, and that I first faced this illness.
Like lifetimes have passed and now I'd like to look back at the worried youth from what ever this place is I'm at now. There is some part of me that cannot imaginge any further crescendo to my existance but I can't really believe that this is the top, the peak. I guess it is up to me to figure out how to climb the clouds now that I'm up here.
Sometimes it really does feel like that.
Take care of yourselves.
Roving Jack
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Is it okay
Is it wrong for me to get exasperated a bit with good news.
I need these first pay checks to rebuild my finances, and Last year when I was given an extra day in my schedual it helped a lot.
But this year I was told I'd be working the original number of days again. So I set myself to that sort of expectation.
Now I'm not really complaining that my floor manager wants me to work an addition day each week, It's really quite flattering to be wanted and appreciated.
It's just that I'm tired and I've got loads of non work work to take care of. and this fudges my schedual and will wear me down a bit more.
I think in addition to minions I need a second body that I can use while this one sleeps off the tired.
Take care of yourselves,
Roving jack
I need these first pay checks to rebuild my finances, and Last year when I was given an extra day in my schedual it helped a lot.
But this year I was told I'd be working the original number of days again. So I set myself to that sort of expectation.
Now I'm not really complaining that my floor manager wants me to work an addition day each week, It's really quite flattering to be wanted and appreciated.
It's just that I'm tired and I've got loads of non work work to take care of. and this fudges my schedual and will wear me down a bit more.
I think in addition to minions I need a second body that I can use while this one sleeps off the tired.
Take care of yourselves,
Roving jack
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Hmm, not as good as expected.
Oh I've done some things this year and all but I've not nearly made as much progress as I had hoped for by now.
I'm gonna have to really apply myself hard to get some of these things together and really cut a swath through my list of goals for the year.
Off I go now.
Take care of yourselves,
Roving Jack
I'm gonna have to really apply myself hard to get some of these things together and really cut a swath through my list of goals for the year.
Off I go now.
Take care of yourselves,
Roving Jack
Monday, September 7, 2009
Sheesh!
I suppose it's a good thing I had this most recent burst of energy. I feel a bit like I've got a billion things going on.
I'm a bit tired but things seem to be going well enough. Knock on wood and all.
I've really got to buckle down on a few projects over the next few weeks to see to it that things get done as I've said I would do them.
It's actually more like a busy next four days then a less busy but still hectic few weeks. Then comes october. My favorite month of all. Then november and crazy Nanowrimo to devour the moments of my existance.
Then december and and it will be january before I pause and wonder where the heck all the time went and yet look back and feel like three years have gone by.
That sounds kind of negative but I'll be living a life or two between then and now. It'll have ups and downs and some great memories in there too.
Take care of yourselves.
Roving Jack
I'm a bit tired but things seem to be going well enough. Knock on wood and all.
I've really got to buckle down on a few projects over the next few weeks to see to it that things get done as I've said I would do them.
It's actually more like a busy next four days then a less busy but still hectic few weeks. Then comes october. My favorite month of all. Then november and crazy Nanowrimo to devour the moments of my existance.
Then december and and it will be january before I pause and wonder where the heck all the time went and yet look back and feel like three years have gone by.
That sounds kind of negative but I'll be living a life or two between then and now. It'll have ups and downs and some great memories in there too.
Take care of yourselves.
Roving Jack
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
New energy
a looming cloud of lethargy has suddenly lifted, and I'm suddenly aware of how badly I've been bungling things. I'm amazed that I got anything done in time for the convention with this staggering lack of motivation on my part.
But ... let me carefully phrase this as to avoid the jinx monster... Things are looking up and I think I can get back into the swing of things, using what remains of the week to make up for lost time.
Then from there it's going to be about maintaining momentum and keeping inspired. Switching from finished goals to new ones to knock more off and get me closer to finishing my list of goals for the year.
There are some new ones on the list too so perhaps when I get a chance to do so in the next few days I will work my way through these posts to find this years master list and addend to it the additional things I've done since making the list.
When the year comes to an end I'd like to check off a good chunk of the goals, I'm shooting for more then twenty of the listed ones as an improvment over last year, and then I'll add the other big things I did this year.
So I'll be doing a lot of listing and itemising for a few posts, but I will try to do it in some kind of exciting way.
Take care of yourselves,
Roving Jack
But ... let me carefully phrase this as to avoid the jinx monster... Things are looking up and I think I can get back into the swing of things, using what remains of the week to make up for lost time.
Then from there it's going to be about maintaining momentum and keeping inspired. Switching from finished goals to new ones to knock more off and get me closer to finishing my list of goals for the year.
There are some new ones on the list too so perhaps when I get a chance to do so in the next few days I will work my way through these posts to find this years master list and addend to it the additional things I've done since making the list.
When the year comes to an end I'd like to check off a good chunk of the goals, I'm shooting for more then twenty of the listed ones as an improvment over last year, and then I'll add the other big things I did this year.
So I'll be doing a lot of listing and itemising for a few posts, but I will try to do it in some kind of exciting way.
Take care of yourselves,
Roving Jack
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